A routine we’ve established is to spend several Weeks each year talking about “Relationships.”
This year I’ve felt inclined to add a little different twist to the conversation. In Shirley’s and my Mentoring of Single and Married, or about to be married people we’ve observed an inevitably disappointing, and often destructive myth. It goes something like this. “If I could find someone who really loves me; who truly understands me; who meets my needs even before I ask, my life dreams would come true.” Hearing the various versions of this often reminds me of lines from a familiar Chicago tune.
You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
No one needs you more than I need you.
Don’t think I’ve lost my sense of the romantic. I’m still hopelessly convinced that I’m a far better man with Shirley than I would be without her. She knows me far more completely than I do her. I’ve had more than one guy tell me I definitely “married up.” I very much “wanna have (her) near me.” But to depend on her for “meaning,” “inspiration,” the capacity to “feel” is a greater burden than she would want let alone have the strength to carry. Frankly, if someone has not developed to such an extent that they know who they are; why they are; how to feel deeply; and enjoy the small as well as great inspirations life can bring, they are no more likely to mature in an intimate relationship than they were outside of it. Healthy people make great partners. Unhealthy people often jeopardize the well-being of those to whom they attach themselves.
So, we’ve determined to spend several Sessions addressing the “Self.” Interestingly, our focus has been, in part, prompted by the very idea of someone else being the source of “meaning,” “inspiration,” and satisfying “feeling.” Finding our reality in someone else’s life experiences has a name. It is, in a word, “vicarious.” Oddly, we’re discovering that this is not always avoidable nor undesirable. In everyday life the role of a Mentor is vicarious. The caring part of Teaching is enhanced by an ability to enter into someone else’s reality until one truly understands the unique nuances of the other’s life and is able to walk with rather than ahead of the person they hope to guide. Counsel is far more enriching when it comes not only from an informed mind, but from a heart that has felt what is in the heart of the beloved.
Vicarious living is also desirable.
C.S. Lewis has profoundly influenced my life. I’ve never met him. He died when I was 17. His many books, lectures, radio addresses, essays, and letters had been written, heard, and read long before I knew of him. Still, this English, and Medieval Literature Professor from Oxford, England has been my Mentor. One of his essays, The Weight of Glory, has been especially influential. In this Essay he writes, “Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ - the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden.” Strong words indeed! Christ, Himself, hidden in His Followers as He is in the Bread and Wine of Holy Communion?! I’d be hesitant to say such a daring thing had I not read these words written by the prolific First Century Christian apologist, Paul of Tarsus. “My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Galatians 2: 20 New Living Translation) This same Paul, in a later letter, offered a prayer for all Christ-followers. “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.” (Ephesians 3: 16 – 19)
The reality of Christ Himself, His Spirit, very God is the hidden reality living, loving, energizing the Christ-follower in the deepest regions of their being. Their “Self” truly is a “Vicarious Self.”
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